It's About Time

It's about time. I have had this idea to do a blog sharing my personal journey for over 2 years. Well literally to be honest when my husband died immediately in that moment I knew that I was supposed to do this. Strange to say that probably.

Let me take you back a little bit. I will share more about the details of his death later but on the day he died I was with him in the hospital. I was holding his hand when he met Jesus. Soon after I remember a nurse escorting me to another room saying they were going to "clean him up" and then have me go back in there. I thought "oh no, I can't do that." But then I remember the promise I made him while he was in the hospital. He asked me to never leave him. So I was escorted to another room, in shock all by myself and then I got word that our pastor/friend was in the lobby. They sent him in the room and it is all a blur. It seemed like maybe 30 minutes or so and then they said "are you ready to see your husband?" What kind of a question was that? I said "Yes!" remembering my promise I made.

I was terrified to see him again. I walked slowly down the hallway sobbing like I had seen so many other wives do for weeks. Now I was the "widow" walking slowly down the hallways with all kinds of beeps going off. Never did I think I would be "one of those" too. When I got to his room there was sliding glass doors and I had to only take a peak and then not look again. I had to do this little by little until I could go in there. It was him. My husband. But there was something very different about him. He was just barely pale, all the machines and IV's were removed, and it was no longer noisy with all the different equipment. He had the most peaceful look on his face like he had taken a big breath and then had a little grin too. I walked closer, each step I had to go back 3-4 then back again. My pastor friend was so patient.

My husband had a picture on his hospital bed almost the entire almost 4 weeks. It was he and I on our honeymoon with matching Nike outfits. Well as I walked closer they put that picture on his chest. I started sobbing more. It was like my body was floating too. This can't be real. I walked back outside his room still looking at the most peaceful I had ever seen my husband. I tell many folks it feels like I touched heaven. He no longer was suffering or battling. He was with our Savior. At that very moment I kept saying "oh no Lord, oh no, not this." I knew at that very moment in my deepest pain that He was going to use this to help others. Well I am still working on that.

We were just kids when we met at King University in Bristol, Tennessee. I was 19 and he was 21. I had no idea then what a journey we would have those 34+ years together. As everyone, we had our highs and our lows. Some of the lows were when he came to my work just a year after we were married and said, "I have cancer." He had testicular cancer, 2 surgeries and they weren't sure after the second surgery if we could have children. Well 4 years later we had our Chelsea and then 6 years after that was our Charlie. Then we got a call on our 3rd Anniversary that my dad died. As everyone goes through different challenges in their lives he got a call that his mom had cancer. She only made it about a year in a half after that and he was never the same. So many things tried to come at us to break us down but we endured because we loved each other with all our hearts. Marriage is for better or worse. I took those vows very seriously. He always said he was proud of his marriage. We had all kinds of attacks from the enemy but only Jesus won.

Lately I have been struggling more than the regular if you know what I mean. I have been saying things like "why did he have to leave me here?" or "why do I have to stay here without him?" The other night I was watching a movie and a husband was helping his wife in her final days. I thought "oh wow, he won't be there with me as I die."

I imagined being at least in our 70's before one of us departed. He was only 55 and I was 53.

Then I remembered again the slight smile on my husbands face after he died. The peace that was coming from him.

I thought "It's about time." It's about time he goes before me so he can welcome me home. He was so scared to have me go before him he would talk about that off and on. I thought he got his wish, to not be left behind. So Tony, I am doing the hardest thing by staying behind for now until we meet again.

I am still loving you in heaven.

Love you more, Patty

Tony and Patty at Disney World June 10, 1990