I Am In The Weeds

I am in the weeds.

I am deep in the weeds.

Once in a while I see a tiny bloom in my grief.

How about you?

Do you feel deep in your grief still?

Guess what... you are normal!

Recently I acknowledged that I am still in the weeds of my grief. I am 2 years out. I was kind of beating up myself and telling myself "Come on Patty, it's been 2 long years already." I remember at the end of year 1 I felt so accomplished. "I did it! I got through all the firsts without my love."

Then year 2 came.

The fog lifted some (still there) but I am more alert to the reality of my life. He is still not here. With that clarity comes more sadness unfortunately, at least for me. It is still so hard to comprehend he is not here.

In September as I near year 3, I find myself giving expectations of what that should mean.

Why do I do that?

I have never lost a husband before. I have never grieved this deeply for this long before ever in my life. Losing someone has not changed my daily life before. How do I know how I will feel? I don't.

It is ok to be in the weeds.

Sometimes it hurts though.

You feel the stickers that cut you.

It's not pretty.

It is not going to sting forever, just for a little bit.

It is ok to be in the weeds.

Look for the tiny flowers that bloom in the weeds.

Look for the friends that hold your hand when you cry.

Look for the gift of God's love that is all around you.

Look for all the days you got up and got dressed.

Look for all the accomplishments and things you have done on your own.

Look for life.

Weeds can be beautiful or not so pretty.

It is all how YOU decide to see them.

I am still in the weeds and I choose to see them as I saw the weeds in Sanibel Island.

This was one of our favorite places to go several times a year.

After my husband died I went there and it was hard. Again I was deep in the weeds.

I went there for the 2 year anniversary of his death by myself. I hadn't been in over a year because of the hurricane that really hurt the island big time. When I went I was shocked at all the destruction but yet could see so much life sprouting up too.

This was just like how I felt. I felt dead in so many ways but seeing little by little some life. I remember thinking as I biked on the island "Sanibel Island I get how you feel."

I walked and walked on the beach by myself and I turned around to look at the landscape that had changed so much. When I walked further I came across all this dead vegetation and all of a sudden I saw these beautiful purple flowers. I started to cry. There was life.

There were weeds but there was life.

I felt hopeful.

I felt like Tony and Jesus were right there reminding me of their love.

I know Tony's love is still with me even in the weeds.

I am still loving him in heaven.

Patty